LETTUCE!

y, what a busy time we've been having. Of course, everyone knows that the 'delay' the editor mentions in his Rants column is nothing technical at all. No. The Editor gourged himself on Lettuce these past few weeks and is currently in hospital getting his stomach pumped. Now, I didn't think you could overdose on lettuce, but our editor seems to have managed it. Anyway, after much taunting, I aggreed to jump off the boat and manage T+E towers for the time being. So, here we go. Onto, as they say, the lettuce. Yum, yum, yum.

Our first letter, this (are we monthly or bi-weekly - the choice is yours!) time around is from someone calling themselves Mr Tallmall... well... how nice is that then? They write...

Subject: I've heard you like it on top...

Which, I have to say got me more than a little worried. I mean, it's a bit of a personal sort of subject isn't it? "liking it on top" indeed. So what if I do? What is it that allows people I don't know making such ... well... comments. Of course, then I remembered that this was actually to the editor and not to me, and relaxed, and carried on reading...

I've heard you like it on top....
..of the search engines! (What did you think I was talking about, silly?)

Oh... I thought to myself, "is this Spam?" to which my brain replyed "possibly... I dunno... Have you ever seen spam use innuendo and comic pauses before?" Of course, I hadn't - but I have lead a sheltered life. For the past 25 years I've lived entirely in a shelter made from yaks droppings - but that's irrelivant. Anyway, as a long lost Irish comedian once said "There's more"...

I just thought I would drop you a line today to let you know about the revolutionary new "Search Engine Blaster" which will allow you to submit your web page to over 450 different search engines and directories, in the categories YOU CHOOSE!

This, I thought was so cool. I mean. A Blaster. A revolutionary blaster. At long last I could live out my childhood fantasies of running around pretending to be Han Solo... Chewbacca the Wookie - or maybe even Princess Leia (well, I've the legs for it!). Then I noticed the words "Search Engine" so I started taking my car to bits. I had quite been quite thorough in my examination of the crankshaft and piston heads when it occured to me that maybe it mean't a search engine on the wierd wild web - whatever that is - and I read it again.

Of course, I knew that it was just one big joke. There's no way there's over 450 different search engines and directories out there... no-one needs even half that. When I visited the editor in hospital, he said there's

"only 5 or 6 search engines worth mentioning"

so I asked him what they were and he replied

"just because they're worth mentioning, doesn't mean you should mention them... now hand over them grapes you sod!"

So I handed over the grapes and asked if we could try and find all 450 of these search engines and he told me that that would be a stupid idea. If we tried that we'd probably not put out another issue of the Hamster Times for 3 weeks or so. Not believing him, I tried, but only came up with 4 or 5. So, I guess he was right.

There was more to this, but, I ate it. Burp! So, do you know of over 450 different search engines ? If you do, then please, mail them us. Even if you have only 2 or 3 that you know about, still mail their addresses here. We can make it a competition or something... just don't tell the editor - he doesn't like people having competitions...

Our second piece of mail is from our regular reader / writer / author / small chicken Devon Bates - is that a Mister or a Miss ? I think its an unusual name - named after a small land mass near Cornwall - but Mmmmm lovely fudge! But I digress, and I digest - yummy clotted cream.

Hey! Check out http://www.tcp.ca/gsb/net/choicesites.html! Your website is there! And so is my friend's website, http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/9445. It was a radio phone in, and I recomended 3, Your's, my friends and Toon Zone.

Oh wow... what can we say! Radio Coverage! Brilliant! I told the Ed that we should have made that radio jingle. Okay, the words barely fitted and we spent most of the night chatting up the backing singers, but that's part of the fun!

Our next piece of lettuce is from an old, slightly mad and crazy friend of the editor. At least, we believe that to be the case but suits retaining, non complaining you see?

I am a plant, I am a very silly plant with purple leaves and a silly grin. Actually if you believe that you will believe anything, and custard is nice isn't it?

What sort of friends does the editor have I wonder? This is from a big purple Banana of Mania - where-ever that is!!

However I am not a lettuce!
*Mr Normal*

Sometimes, I find things just a little too scary to think about. As this is one of those times, I hereby run around like a little girl screaming for her mommy! MOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY!!!!

And, I think that's just about it... no... wait. There's one more from our friend Jeff... well... I say our friend Jeff, but I don't know him! Anyway, he seems quite friendly so here we go...

I seen on your awards page that you are interested in knowing places that have your site listed. I have it listed on my site, Weird Stuff From the Web at:
http://www.mnsi.net/~jbabcock/weird.htm
Just thought i'd let you know. Cool site by the way. Thanks
Jeff Babcock
Babcock Motorhome Rentals
http://www.mnsi.net/~jbabcock/motor.htm

Well. Isn't he nice! Thanks for the kind words, and we'll shortly (or lately) add you to the 'cool awards here we are' page soon.

Well, this is really the end of the letters page now. Just time to insert a liberal amount of form things for you nice people to write to us again. Oh yes. The editor loves his lettuce. Remember, send lots of search engines, get well soon cards and other bits and pieces.

Have fun!

LETTUCE!

WRITE TO US?