Issue 12

March 1998

NEWS!

HAMSTER TIMES TAKEN OVER BY HUMOURISTS!

Since the previous edition, the Hamster Towers has been taken over by a quite mad organisation known as the "Monkfish Brain Deflowerer's". These, quite insane people have been running around our offices, distracting us, for exactly one month. We think that they had some strange plan - but police think that they were just clinically insane and should be ignored.

After being ignored, the pretty young ones started doing strip shows in the corner of the room and playing loud music - which totally confused our little brains, what with there only being enough blood in our bodies for one organ or the other. As such, we've been making less sense than normal. If that's humanly possible.

CONSPIRACY CORNER.

HAMSTERS FROM MARS KIDNAP PIGS!

It's an old story now, but many months ago some pigs disappeared and reappeared here, there, and everywhere. Due to the strange happenings in our offices, the story disappeared from our desks and re-appeared as the menu to a local chinese take away.

We only found out this fact when we ordered a meal, a number 47 "chicken curry with fried rice" and got the facts handed us on a plate... which was quite strange. Was it the Hamsters who stole our story, or did the censorship brigade get to us? We don't know. We aren't even going to share the story now, because it is so old and you've probably all forgotten about it.

FULL MONTY MANIA!

The Full Monty, called the greatest British film - ever (at least since the last one), is causing all sorts of mayhem. Originally tipped to win 420 oscars at this years academy awards, has been given a devestating blow from a couple of New Zealand Lamb writers who have filed, in America, on the day that all the 'nominations' envelopes (or something equally as important) go out, a plagiarism suit against the films producers.

This suit, while nice and black - and quite trendy, is for 100 million dollarpounds and claims that the Full Monty is a copy of their play (over 10 years ago) called Poor Men Take Their Clothes Off which was shown over in NewZealand.

Whether this is true or not, we at the Hamster Times believe that there are only 5 good ideas for stories, and all others are variations upon themes. Already production is rumoured to have ceased on a number of 'similar' productions which were set to coast on the films popularity - including "Fair'dinkem Poor Strippers", "Black men can't strip" and

We think that this shows that with every cloud, there's at least one silver lining.

CONSPIRACY CORNER.

MC DONALDS IN WOMEN'S CLOTHING!

Everyone has seen the adverts. The one's that end with "M - Enjoy MORE" being displayed on the screen /cup /radio (okay, they say it on the radio - what with it being a less visual medium). Well, we at the Hamster Times can exclusively reveal that Ronald Himself, in disguise, is the Editor in Chief of MORE magazine. The woman's magazine said "no comment" when asked for a comment, and someone in McDonalds said "Enjoy More" when asked. As you see, it's a big conspiracy. Before you know it, models will walk up and down the stairs showing off the new summer fashions, women will run up to you while you eat and say "I've had my breasts enlarged and it's really improved my love life" and scary men will say "I'm a danger and should be kept off the streets."

Is that a good thing? Do we really want to see women's breasts while we munch down on our McChicken Sandwich things? Do we want to hear about women's non-functioning waterworks and the fact that PMT made them kill while we slurp our thick shakes? Of course we don't. It is wrong. It is bad. It is mad, and it is sad.

So, we've wrote a letter to McDonalds to complain about this fact. Here's a copy of it for all you readers - feel free to duplicate it and post lots of copies here, there and everywhere.

Hamster Towers,
Our Street,
In this Town.


Ronald McDonald (if that's your real name!)
McDonalds
Somewhere in America
Some State
America
What is a Zip code?

Dear Ronald,
     well, what can we say? We KNOW about you and the magazine people at MORE. We don't think it's right at all. In fact, we think it's so un-right, that it's wrong and should be stopped. We want to run up to you and shout

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

at you very, very loudly - but you'd probably think we were totally mad and have us locked up - which is why we're writing this letter to you instead.

     You may think that it is a good idea to have women parading around in next seasons fashions and talking openly about their womany bits - and the fact that their teenage son has had a sex change and become a lesbian and suffers terribly with PMT - and has had 3 children of his/her own since hitting 13 - but we do not. No. We think this is a bad idea and will spoil the simple 'come in and eat' appeal that McDonalds is known for.

     Please re-think your corporate ideas, and do not change a thing.

We are not crackpots

Ed

If you hear of anything a bit strange, or have success with badgering your local McDonalds, please feel free to let us know at the usual address.