HT:Stars

December

Here comes that charlatan Hamster Meg, again, here to peddle all her little made up predictions that are so vague that no-one ever questions them.

The year is coming to a close. It's December, christmas is a-coming, and all that. It's the month of christmas pies, santa hats, the queen's speech and watching the entire James Bond series on the telly.
But please remember, in England, eating christmas pies on the 25th of December is illegal. Cromwell introduced that law, and it never got repealled.

• Aries, The Ram
  (21st March to 20th April)

  Why do we always start on Aries? Shouldn't we do one of the January stars first? I'm rambling, never mind.

  
  

• Tarus, The Bull
  (21st April to 21st May)

  Look out for that bus!

  
  

• Gemini, The Twins
  (22nd May to 21st June)

  The moon is passing through your sign this month.
  It's far too scary to contemplate. Argh!

  
  

• Cancer, The Crab
  (22nd June to 23rd July)

  Remember that your claws are helpful weapons during this month. You will get yourself lost and find your way onto a football pitch. Just remember to give the ball a good nip and let all the air out.
  Come to think of it, nipping the football with achive the same effect.

  
  

• Leo, The Lion
  (24th July to 23rd August)

  December is a time when you can roam about the jungle and eat things. Wildebeasts are very tasty this time of the year. Just be careful not annoy those two legged pink things. They've got guns, and a perverse fetish about dead lions. What would your mother say?

  
  

• Virgo, The Virgin
  (24th August to 23rd September)

  You're a cynic who thinks that horoscopes are a superstitious waste of time. Click on the image on the button bar and get on with life.

  
  

• Libra, The Scales
  (24th September to 25th October)

  In the shop where you work, your owner will attempt to fiddle with your calibrations so that customers get short measures. There's nothing you can do about it. He will probably replace you with one of those modern electronic scales soon anyway.
  Ain't life awful!

  
  

• Scorpio, The Scorpion
  (24th October to 22nd November)

  You are an evil bastard who goes about sneaking up on innocent beings and giving them a deadly sting, after which, you eat thier brains out. Enjoy yourself.

  
  

• Sagittarius, The Archer
  (23rd November to 21st December)

  You will meet a long lost friend this month, but remember that he owes you a fiver. He will claim this never happened. Give him a good kicking.

  
  

• Capricorn, The Goat
  (22nd December to 20th January)

  Upr life will remain as boring as ever.

  
  

• Aquarius, The Waterbearer
  (21st January to 19th February)

  Your job has been obsolete ever since they invented pipes and taps. There is hope for you yet come next summer. The people of Yorkshire could do with someone with your skills.

  
  

• Pisces, The Fishes
  (20th February to 20th March)

  You are still part of Engalnds national cuisine. You are doomed to end your life smothered in batter, fried and served with chips.