...Vs the Internet

Marks and Spencer, Virgin Enterprises and Sainsburys have all battling against Cyberspace copyright. They are currently heading for the high court to stop ttheir names or similar names being used as domain names on the internet. They are seeking damages and wide-ranging court orders.

They are asking the court to restrain the creation of, the use of and the selling of the domains marksandspencer.com amd marksandspencer.co.uk However, they decided against the much used abvieviation M&S.com; as, at the time they were under the impression that this was some cruel sexual practice - something which they seek to dissassociate with themselves. Of course, you can see their point. Were you, a high street store, successful and well known - suddenly have your name taken from you and associated with such things which could be considered more than a little bit dodgy, wouldn't you be a bit peeved? As a high street store myself, I know where they're coming from. You get used to your nice concrete walls... your neighbouring streets. You become proud of those who work within you - of those who choose to come and patronise you - the last thing you want is people getting confused with sex.

Solicitors have poor results in make a will week

Make a will week, which started on October the 27th - a joint initative of the Law Societies of Scotland and of England and Wales - was a hopeless failure. We spoke to a solicitor, who for legal reasons refused to be named.

"It was doomed from the start. We should never have tried something quite so complex. Okay, we had the nose - nice and round - but the second we tried the ears the whole thing fell apart and we had to start again."

When asked about future plans, he just said that he would not be doing such a thing again, but plans were already afoot for a "Make a Janet week".

"Make a Janet week will be much more succesful for a number of reasons, firstly, women are a lot simpler than men. Secondly, we'll have more fun constructing their genitalia - which is, by and large, much more fun to play around with, and thirdly... um... I can't think of a third reason - but at least, not being a William, she won't steal Luke Perry's birds from him while they're eating pizza"

Frogs,Frogs,Frogs...Leap!

Just like last year, the French Lorry Drivers have decided that in these cold winter months, it would be the ideal time to go on strike. Of course, this very action adds the French to our list of countries inhabited by stupid people. Why? Well, there are a couple of reasons. But they aren't important right now. Basically, their concept of time is all wrong. But that didn't stop us interviewing one of them...

"Ve are doing zis vecaus ve are tired ov all ze crazy food ve eat. Znails, Frogs legs... you name it... Iv ve can't have any fun, ve cannot zee why anyone else zhould."

A Nice Shag Goes up in Smoke!

When we were told, "A nice shag has gone up in smoke" we assumed our informant was on about some ancient deep pile carpet, but no. They were on about sex. Some Canadian girls (aged about 27) made a bonfire of knickers, a car back seat, a motel register and other sexual objects in a lover's lane. They said

"Casual sex is finished. The days of humping the first fella you meet are over."

We spoke to a bloke who only said "Damn!" when asked about this development.

New Drugs craze in Northern Eireland

A new, dangerous drug shet has entered the market place. It seems to have caught on with the young, and the middle aged. Typically the drug is aquired in the public conveniances within most pubs. We sent a man out to investigate.

The Blue Boy, Belfast. A cosy, tidy, out of the way pub, where locals come to drink... have a meal, have a good night out. But now, this way of life is under threat by the drug they call shet.

"Whenever I get in the pub - especially when I've had a lot to eat earlier, I have a need for a good shet!"

We interviewed many young people, those which weren't completely high on shet told us to hang around in the gents, and when the cubical becomes free, go in, sit down, and you'll be doing good shet within a few minutes. From what I can tell, the signs to be wary of, are strange smells coming from within the toilet area, people leaving the cubicals - with a strange look of contentment, of relief and pleasure in their eyes... A distict lightness of walk which was not there before.

I decided to investigate further. I went in the cubical, a not to clean WC, but where drugs are concerned, is anyplace clean? I sat down, shut the door and waited. After a few minutes there was a knock at the door

"You having a good shet mister?" was heard, to which I replied "I would like to be, but am not presently."

I waited, expectantly, but all I got was the reply "Try some prune juice, or some liquorish root, then you'll get more shet than you'll know what to do with!"

I assume it was some cryptic code, no shet was forthcoming. I got up, flushed the toilet, and left the cubical - obviously opening the door first so not as to draw suspicion upon me.

Later, I followed a number of men back into the toilets, all of which were going for shet. Unfortunately, some of them rumbled my game, and that's why I'm writing this from the NHS hospital, in Belfast.

Remember. Shet - don't touch it!