HT:Stars

November

Hey hey! Hamster Meg here once again, with all that lies in the stars for the month of November - that fun and noble month that it is... That is, unless you're a monkey, because, as they say

"Hey hey, we're the monkeys. People say we're monkeying around, but we're too busy singing, to put any body down."

Of course, what people say matters little. November is the month of fun, frolics and little shrunken bollards.

• Aries, The Ram
  (21st March to 20th April)

  For those horny little Rams, November brings a chill wind from the west, with the colour purple reigning mightily over the video world. You should expect to paint the house, garden the garden, and mow the lawn. But remember, remember the 5th of November...

  
  

• Tarus, The Bull
  (21st April to 21st May)

  Bull. What is it good for ? Absolutely nothing. Yes! November brings a feeling of uselessness to those Bulls who are right bulls (as opposed to the left bulls) Of course, you can still have fun. Oh yes, you still can have fun. Just be a little wary of china shops - because you know what you're like when you get on a rampage.

  
  

• Gemini, The Twins
  (22nd May to 21st June)

  Oh dear. After all the fun you had last month in the sexual department, you'll have a rude awakening when you find that that rash on your left nipple is in fact a curry stain, and that you really should bathe more. Still, to a promiscuious beast like you, what is curry?

  
  

• Cancer, The Crab
  (22nd June to 23rd July)

  To impress their friends, Cancerians will decide to paint themselves red and claim to be lobsters. This, foolhardy thing - while keeping themselves and their friends amused, will ultimately end in tragedy. While swiming in the North Sea they'll be caught in nets and boiled alive before being eaten by the Prince of Spain.

  
  

• Leo, The Lion
  (24th July to 23rd August)

  One banana, Two Banana, Three Banana, Four. Four Banana's make a bunch and so do many more... But that's irrelivent. Lions have no time for Banana's - unless of course, they're female, but the less said about that the better. Sex, is fun, and banana's are fun. And I'm not going to tell you that fun plus fun doesn't mix am I? Just remember, a banana is nothing like the real thing, unless the real thing, is a banana...

  
  

• Virgo, The Virgin
  (24th August to 23rd September)

  Cherry Cola? Why, its virgin on the silly this month, with people appearing at your door twice a week, wearing nothing but a pinafore. Well. What do you expect from the salvation army? You should bare both nipples and say "The ides of March have come and gone, but the cherry blossom is still fresh, and hardens at your touch." which will cause you to win first prize in the Reader's digest prize draw. Lucky you.

  
  

• Libra, The Scales
  (24th September to 25th October)

  When November rain comes, you should hide in the snow - lest you too become one with the beard who goes "good game, good game". Yes, I mean Guy Falkes who always gets real hot around the fifth. Should you feel hot around the fifth, remember that the lion hunts in a pride, and so does the goldfish.

  
  

• Scorpio, The Scorpion
  (24th October to 22nd November)

  Remember the way you used to love Crackerjack (CRACKERJACK) when you were a small child? Well, during the month of November you will have nightmare upon nightmare about the show, resulting in a horrenous dream on the twentyfifth involving Stu "ooh I could crush a grape" Francis and Jimmy "Fan Dabby Dozie" Kranky and a pineapple. Whatever you do, don't get angry and arm wrestle an action man.

  
  

• Sagittarius, The Archer
  (23rd November to 21st December)

  The Archers out there will go a little mad this month. They will believe that their potted plants are talking to them. Of course, they're not, they're only talking to each other - but that's the way that love goes.

  
  

• Capricorn, The Goat
  (22nd December to 20th January)

  Ooooh. After last months surprise, and the cherry that fell from the sky last Tuesday, you should be expecting the unexpected from November. If you are though, you'll be severly disappointed. However if you accept the unexpected, expect the unaccepted, and perform the unacceptable you will be in prison faster than you can say monkey bum Roger in and out.

  
  

• Aquarius, The Waterbearer
  (21st January to 19th February)

  Did you enjoy Halloween? I did, but I thought it a bit daft the way that Jamie Lee Curtis kept dropping the knife - especially as Michael wasn't properly dead - and didn't his aim deteriorate after killing all her friends? Still, if horror's not your slice of tea, you should keep away from the fridge this month. That lettuce you bought last Thursday has assumed a life of its own and is at this moment in time, rallying the tomatoes for a great showdown for the freedom of the celary.

  
  

• Pisces, The Fishes
  (20th February to 20th March)

  Hospital food is good this time of year, which is good, because that's what you're eating. It serves you right for falling asleep in that wheelbarrow so close to the 5th - it was an easy mistake to make. If you only had woken up 5 minutes earlier - but no, you had to doze off. Harumph! You desirve whatever you get - which will be a nice surprise when the nurse gives you a bed bath and nothing comes off in her hand.

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The Hamster Times HT:Stars is copyright © 1997 Twin and Earth Publishing.