HT:SOL

Hi there, Hamster Spice here with Grave news. This may be one of the last Spice of Life section. I'm worried. I think I may be out of a job. Anyone out there want a talented, reporter-hamster-type-thing? I'm a firm believer in Hamster Power and wearing short skirts with very revealing underwear. Please send all job offers via the Hamster Times - I'm sure they'll pass them onto me.

The end of the Spice Girls

Yes! The bubble has burst! A band on ship! Um. I mean, Abandon ship! According to the Daily Mirror, a paper who only a couple of weeks ago decided we all wanted to hear the exclusive life story of the spice girls has noticed that not everyone likes them. In fact, it ran a "Which spice girl Irritates you the most" story only Wednesday. Well. I could hardly believe it. The things they were coming out with. To quote them...

"Geri can't keep her big cakehole shut for more than five seconds - just ask exmanager Simon Fuller. Most of what she spouts is rubbish. She fibbed about her birthday when the band was first launched, cutting three years off her age."
"In photographs, she (Mel C) always does karate kicks which are as predictable as Geri's 'Girlpower' catchphrase. She nods a lot."
"Victoria has only one facial expression - the gormless goldfish. Oh, and she keeps David Beckham off the street"
"She (Mel B) has a habit of shouting 'Yeah!' for no apparent reason."
"Poor Emma can't walk in those ludicrous platform shoes and falls over with worrying frequency."

..of course, being the Mirror, they cracked a funny when talking about 'posh' Spice. Things she had going for her included "keeping David Beckham off the streets" and things going against her included "keeping David Beckham off the streets" ho ho ho. Their article was all down to a poll they conducted which proved, 7 to 1 that the Spice Girls had lost all sense of whatever it was they were good at and should clear off back to iceland (and get some nice chocolate cakes and fish fingers for tea).

"Sick Hammer Attack on Spice Girls" says the Sport!

Why, predictably as usual, the Daily Sport, barely a newspaper, had the shock horror front page headline "Sick Hammer Attack on Spice Girls". Of course, this was both old news, and, missrepresentation. (I only bought it, of course, out of concern for the Spice Girls - as a Hammer Attack might cause brain damage, death, or any other such horrible thing...) To quote, from their 'article' if you could call it that...

"EXCLUSIVEThe Spice Girls were fuming last night after they found out about a new computer game called Slap a Spice Girl!
Players are invited to use virtual hammers to wallop members of the group, including Ginger Spice on their computer screens.
FULL STORY: Pages 24 & 25

Of course, the article in question, highly dodgy in the extreme. Puts falsehood on the lips of anyone foolish enough to buy a copy. Of course, I only bought one out of consern having read the headline - and hoping that baby spice would be alright... honest. The majority of the article centers on the non-story fact that the game, a variation of the classic fairgrown games where you bash things over the head with soft hammers for points, features the spice girls and a giant hand. No actual hammer's were used in the production of the game. As I said, a non story. Of course, the games' producers Urban75 said (on their web pages, and not, as the article makes out, in person)

"The game delivers a pretend slap to pretend people making pretend music in a pretend showbiz world. We do not advertise violence women in any shape or form..."

(The quote taken directly from page 24 of the sport - in which the word against was missed out making nonsense of the whole statement. Of course, the writer in question was probably too busy picking the topless photo of Geri to go along side the article - picking a cute one with her wearing a towel around her head. Of course, this is just typical of the Sport. Constant reprints of the same photos, over, and over again. Always with a meaningless story. A spice girl goes for a walk - there's a photo of Geri topless. The Spice Girls goto number one, there's a photo of Geri topless. The Spice Girls do absolutely nothing, well, here's some photo's of Geri Topless anyway. It kind of makes you wonder what sort of people they have working for them doesn't it?)

They went on to say that "A representative of the spice girls said that they'd probably be a bit cheesed off if they knew about this"

The Spice Girls sack their manager

Oh, they sacked their manager just after a concert or something. Of course, this is only a few weeks after (according to the same issue of the sport) they assured everyone that

"We'd never tell him to p*ss off!"
"There are so many w*nky managers out there. They take the p*ss, don't look after their artists and I just think 'God, thank you that we have such a great manager"

(the quotes obviously censored by us rather than the sport - although the Guardian too prints all the four letter words... which we consider strange)

Anyway, we find this more than a little strange / ironic, and we think, that the spice Girls, have in fact been taken over by aliens, similar to the many heads of countries etc etc (see this week's HT:Feature)

Two become one...Three

We were walking through the town, when we bumped into Sporty Spice (well, she was wearing a Cinnamon T-Shirt and said she liked sport). She said

"The song was originally about Posh having cold hands..."

Anyway, here's how it went...

"I need a pair of gloves, like I've never needed gloves before
can you get some gloves for me baby?
I forgot to bring my gloves, now my hands are raw.
can I borrow your gloves now baby?
I'd like some that are furry,
so my hands are not chilly
Tonight, is the night, I borrow your gloves"

Boo! Hiss! You Smell like... This?

Well, the Spice girls are being booed off stages here, there and everywhere - but this is too good a story to include here, so I'll stick it in next week's issue - well... I have to do something to keep my job 8-)

Until Next time, this is Hamster Spice saying

"Yah! Boo! Sucks! Grill Power all the way! Peace goodluvin'"